Life With….

Taken and adapted over time from:

http://www.peebesalgy.com/blog/2009/10/20/missing-words/

I started this filled with trepidation.  One of my favorite joys in life is reading, and the idea of writing has, when i am honest with myself, always been my dream.  I literally cannot contain the number of short stories and novel plots I have come up with while dreaming – and more often then not I am actually dreaming about writing them.

But writing is one of the hardest things for me to do.

I have learning disabilities which prevent me from editing myself, seeing errors, and often cause me to have errors that are commonly associated with dyslexia – I invert letters, leave words (and occasionally sentences) out and have no idea how to spell things.  When I reread these – I see them they way I meant them to be, and the errors are not fixable.  I also often miss words when reading, as can be seen when I am reading out loud as well as when writing.  The problem can be quite severe and dramatic.   There are certain areas of written expression I have been told I will never be able to do at a level higher than a middle schooler.
I have no idea how I made it through college except to say that my parents were helpful in reading drafts of everything for gramitcal and other errors, not content, and my professors often worked with allowing me to turn in drafts early so they could help me with this as well.  In law school, after a round of retesting, I was told I was too smart too have a disability, a crushing blow, and the way that law school grading and testing worked the accommodations I had afforded myself in college would not be possible.  I have since found out that this potion may well have been illegal and violation of federal law, a fact which I did not know at the time, and which did not help my grades.
Part of my work recently has been as a special education attorney working for parents of children with disabilities – and part of why it was so draining for me was the fact that I was that child.   I remember using the eraser so intensely that you were literally scratching holes in the paper with the metal stub left after the eraser itself was destroyed.  I remember struggling to memorize or  a spelling test, or being unable to correctly copy words from the broad.   I remember coming to the conclusion that grammar did not matter as someone else could always edit your ideas where all that counted (an idea I still give a lot of credence).  I also know what it is to need a certain noise level to function but anything above that is such an irritant that the idea of working with any noise is literally so aggervatitng that I cannot stand to hear a person chew mushy cereal,    I also know what it is like to be in chronic pain such that you almost cannot walk, but be unable to follow the simple directions of a DVD or physical therapist as you cannot mirror them – they must stand behnid me to show me best how to learn the muscle memory.  For this reason to this day I cannot find my own head when blow-drying my hair and looking in a mirror – but must instead stand away from any visual clues and due it by other senses – styling is a foregone loss (at least in my book, I think my mother would like it more if I did attempt it).

The most dramatic effect of this was I lost confidence in my ability to write. I had gone to one of the top colleges in the country and an excellent law school but I still feel and felt incredibly incapable.  I have no doubt in my inability to do this type of work.   I knew that the one thing I truly wanted to do was not an option; and more to the point never would be.  Even as a lawyer I begin  to believe I may never be able to write the wining complaint, memo or brief, my legal writing was not capable – to many errors; to many missed sentences not enough explication.
My job did not help that – I was consistently told I can’t write and that even pieces I worked weeks on were in adequate.   But I did not have much, if any assitance or anyone reading it over, and therefore pieces that made it to his desk were not as polished as he or I would like.    I am confident that with supports, such as another pair of eyes reviewing the work, much of these problems would no longer be an issuse.
Because of all this, the idea of allowing others to read and critique my work is in some ways my greatest fear and I have in the past been overly protective of it.   I have simply reached the point where I feel I have no choice – I need to give this a shot, both with this blog and some other projects I am doing.  That may be why so much is about food though – I am comfortable explaining the steps of doing something and more uncomfortable with thoughts.
I tell you all this, not as an excuse or explanation,  but for myself.  I have always challenged myself and done what is hardest for me.   I am hoping that I can finally do that with writing and find  personal victory putting this difficulty, which I currently believe may be holding me a back in all areas of my life as my lack of confidence coming out of my current position is extreme, is finally overcome.